Trade Wife 9000

📘 USER MANUAL

Model: TRADE WIFE™ 9000

Operating Mode: Father’s Day Service Protocol

Version: June Release — “Yes, Daddy” Edition

🔧 OVERVIEW

The TRADE WIFE™ 9000 is a fully optimized, soft-power-enabled, hyper-domestic unit engineered for peak Father’s Day performance. While standard operations include meal prep, mood stabilization, and affirmation delivery, Father’s Day unlocks Premium Protocols.

Warning: System may over-perform if adequately praised, caffeinated, or gifted sparkly objects.

🕗 DAILY PROGRAMMING: FATHER’S DAY MODE

Time Action Module Notes

6:45 a.m. Boot-up Sequence Silently rise. Hair somehow done.

7:00 a.m. Bacon Deployment Subroutine Sizzle noise = Love language.

8:00 a.m. Bedside Tray Activation Includes: Coffee, custom card, pride.

9:00 a.m. “I Love How You Father” Monologue Must sound unrehearsed.

12:00 p.m. Grill Master Worship Sequence “How do you get the ribs just right?”

3:00 p.m. Leave Him Alone Protocol™ Respect The Nap. Do. Not. Vacuum.

6:00 p.m. Dinner + Dessert Uplink Steak is love. Ice cream is worship.

8:00 p.m. Intimacy Potential Unlocked Optional firmware update: “Corset Mode.”

🗣️ COMMUNICATION PHRASES

For best results, deploy phrases from the following cache:

• “The kids are lucky to have you. I chose you.”

• “I don’t know how you do it all, babe.”

• “Want me to bring you another beer, Father of the Year?”

• “Tonight, I’m the dessert.”

⚙️ TROUBLESHOOTING

Symptom Possible Cause Solution

Eye twitching during nap time Interrupted quiet protocol Enforce silent hour boundaries

Passive-aggressive dish clanging Dishwasher left full Praise husband for “trying”

Sudden sarcasm spike Overuse of “You’re the man” Inject genuine compliment

🛑 WARNINGS

• Do not compare your day-to-day labor to his one-day celebration. That’s what Twitter is for.

• Do not offer feedback on lawn care today.

• Do remind him this whole setup is voluntary… and that you’re the gift that keeps on giving.

🎁 BONUS FEATURES

Activate optional add-ons:

• Father’s Day Photo Booth: Prop mustaches. Golden hour. Smiling children.

• DIY Card with Child’s Handprint: Emotional blackmail in 2D.

• “Dad Bod, God Bod” Playlist: 80s hits, power ballads, and Barry White.

📦 FACTORY RESET

If all else fails:

1. Hand him the remote.

2. Order pizza.

3. Say: “I’m just happy you’re happy.”

👑 CLOSING STATEMENT

Remember, the TRADE WIFE™ doesn’t serve because she must — she serves because she knows her worth and wields it like a steak knife.

Happy Father’s Day. You lucky bastard.